Flashback

Maria (June 5, 2008) No to War - s Attribution - Non-Commercial - Sarealike Licence




Yesterday Christopher and I went to see American Sniper in the theater.  We are pretty cautious when seeing modern-day war movies because they often stir up memories and feelings from our own deployments to Iraq.  This time was no different.  Usually SEAL movies resonate more with me due to the particulars of my experiences in the military.  In the same vein, Christopher is typically effected most by Army movies.

Before seeing American Sniper, Christopher asked me if I really wanted to.  The last movie we watched hit us both pretty hard, and, lets just say, a lot of alcohol and a late night followed.  His question just made me more determined to watch it.  If I can’t stand to face the feelings such movies elicit, how can I believe that I’ve moved on from those feelings?  Maybe it’s a habit of self-masochism to make myself face those feelings, but I don’t think so. 

Patriotic movies always remind me of why I did it in the first place.  They give me a sense of commitment to my past and a feeling of self-righteousness for the decisions I have made.  Perhaps I don’t deserve that, but, it is what it is. 

This particular cinematic experience effected me differently.  This time, I identified more with Chris Kyle’s wife, and I viewed Christopher more from the aspect of  the deployed individual.  That is unusual for me.  Since I experienced Christopher’s deployment never having deployed myself,  I had no concept of what he went through overseas or upon coming home.  I kept thinking, did I act like Chris Kyle’s wife?  Is that what it was like for him?  I hope I fought for Christopher as hard as she fought for her husband, but I’m sorry that I made things harder by not understanding the effect my words and demands had. 

I sincerely hope that the popularity and honesty that these movies possess will cause the world to become educated on the challenges veterans face both overseas and upon coming home. Those challenges easily pervade every aspect of a veteran's life, and they definitely change them forever.  Those who haven’t deployed are hard-pressed to understand the challenges and account for them in a way that will make the world a better place for veterans.

You Heard it From the Greats

In an effort to ride the motivation roller coaster on a continual high, I have been researching advice from well-known authors who have weathered the storm that I'm coming to know as writing a novel.  In all my 30 something years of life the only other time I've ever felt so out of my depth has been parenting.  Those of us who have been on that particular ride know that its often daily that we say, "what the hell just happened," then move on cautiously like prey in the presence of a possibly hungry predator.   A couple of years ago I gave birth to a novel, and now I'm trying to raise it.  Since I've kept it locked in the basement for a long while, I don't think I'm doing so hot.

So, like any modern day parent knows, when you aren't sure you are raising your child right, Google it.  I Googled and found a great article from Cody Delistraty at thoughtcatalog.com.  This is the advice that stuck with me:

1. Get through a draft as quickly as possible. Hard to know the shape of the thing until you have a draft. Literally, when I wrote the last page of my first draft of Lincoln’s Melancholy I thought, Oh, shit, now I get the shape of this. But I had wasted years, literally years, writing and re-writing the first third to first half. The old writer’s rule applies: Have the courage to write badly. – Joshua Wolf Shenk 

I think this might be the most important piece of writing advice that I have ever received.  I've been stuck making the very mistake this warns against.  I'm putting my foot down and having courage. 

2.  The first draft of everything is shit. -Ernest Hemingway

I will use this quote to console myself after following Shenk's advice.

3. I would advise anyone who aspires to a writing career that before developing his talent he would be wise to develop a thick hide. — Harper Lee

This is also advice after following through with Shenk's challenge.  I'm putting this one in my back pocket.  I think it's going to take some practice to accomplish when it comes to my writing. 

4. Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout with some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand. — George Orwell

I found great solace in knowing I'm not crazy.  It's not just me.  The great George Orwell knows my demon and my pain.

5. If writing seems hard, it’s because it is hard. It’s one of the hardest things people do. – William Zinsser

I think I already waxed and waned about this above.  Just in case any of you think I'm kidding, I'm not.  Writing is hard, but it's worth it to kick that demon off your back.

6. Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college. – Kurt Vonnegut 

Well.  Awkward.  I like semicolons.

7. Write drunk, edit sober. – Ernest Hemingway

I added this in here more for the benefit of my readers, particularly those following my blog.  I happen to agree with and follow this advice on occasion.  Please beware and bestow me with understanding.   

8. Start telling the stories that only you can tell, because there’ll always be better writers than you and there’ll always be smarter writers than you. There will always be people who are much better at doing this or doing that — but you are the only you. ― Neil Gaiman 

This is another piece of advice that I find great solace in.  I have a story to tell, and it is mine.  No one can out me me.  I'm the most me out there.  I'll use that for all me has.

9. You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. ― Ray Bradbury 

I'm trying, Ray, I really am.  Your words and the words of your peers are a fine malt whiskey for me.  In some cases "fine" may be a stretch, but I don't mind until the hangover.

10. Don’t take anyone’s writing advice too seriously. – Lev Grossman 

Done, and Done.  Well, it might not be THAT easy, but I'm sure as heck going to try.  When you pour your soul onto a page its easy to get a bit sensitive.  That's equally true for wanting your soul to be the most beautiful thing on Earth as it is for not wanting criticism.  At some point, I will have to accept that like any child, it will not be perfect, but it's mine to raise. 

It's So Hard to Grow Up (Financially)

This last year has been one of the most difficult for so many reasons.  First and foremost has been dealing with Pixie's (my one year old) health.  I don't think anyone is prepared to have their child be born with health issues.  I learned this last year that there is no scale to determine your right to feel upset about your child's health issues.  While those of us who aren't on a daily cycle of wondering how long their child will live or if they will ever be a productive part of society have ample motivation to thank God every day, we still hurt for what our child and our family has to go through every day.  I think our pain is just that, our pain, and watching your child suffer for any reason should be the binding on the circle that all parents enter into when we first look into the eyes of a child that is one hundred percent dependent on us for their every happiness and need.

Now that I have you all thinking of the first time you saw your child (or hopefully some other tear-jerking moment) I'll get to my point.  Our house is dealing with another health issue.  Financial health.  Right now, it feels terminal.  We have been sitting by it's bedside while listing to the beep of life support machines.  The nurses check in periodically to see how it's doing, and the distant family members are arguing over who gets it's car.  It feels that bad.

How did you let it get that way, you ask.  Well, once upon a time we decided to get a Land Rover Discovery.  I would say that was the beginning of the end.  Little did we know, this Land Rover needed a new engine and a plethora of other comparably minor, yet expensive, things.  We had some contingencies that meant low-interest borrowing, but the unnamed national chain automotive mechanics (also known as Satan's minions) didn't reattach the ground when they put the new engine in.  This led to an escalating series of issues with my Land Rover that derailed vacations mid-trip, caused long-term car rentals, and eventually the purchase of a new vehicle that was warrantied up the wazoo for our protection.  Long story short, the mechanics had to pay for "all" of the repairs.  Unfortunately, the damage was already done and we began sinking ourselves financially before it was all said and done.  There's a lot more to the story, but if I had to put my finger on a beginning, that's it.

We are one year out from moving onto our next duty station and we don't have two pennies to rub together.  That's a horrible situation to be in.  That is how you end up living in the ghetto because you can't afford nicer accommodations.  I don't like the ghetto.  I plan to move on from here with ample financial flexibility to live wherever the heck I want-as long as the Army says I can.  That's a whole other story-I seem to have a lot of those.

After many threats, both direct and cleverly disguised as banter, with my husband we finally started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.  They make a military addition that the Army gave us a couple of years back.  We are all over that like white on rye.  I am determine to dig ourselves out of this hole.  I'm under no delusions that this will be painless, but I expect it to be effective.  I winced when I saw the dreaded envelopes. If you've heard of Dave Ramsey you know about the envelopes.  You've probably made fun of the envelopes.  It's hard not to feel like a child when you are walking around with your allowance in a tiny white piece of paper.  I'm going to put my big girl panties on, hold on tight to my envelope, and grit through this.  Wish me luck!

On the Road Again...er...In the Seat Again

I know you sung the title of this post in Willie Nelson's voice.  I did.  I can't even help myself.  The litany of voices that my brain seems capable of mimicking is astounding.  In fact, I feel as though I rarely think in my own voice, when I'm not shuffling through the thought pictures that are my norm.  I love reading stories to my kids because these voices flow out of me as I'm reading as fluidly as though I practiced beforehand.  It gives me an excuse to excise these vernaculars, accents, cadences, and pitches that aren't organic to my upbringing.  Otherwise, I end up being an awkward oddity that many in my life don't realize I can be.  This serious sister will be in the middle of saying something, then suddenly bust out with a quip that I borrowed from someone, somewhere, or maybe mashed up from someones, somewheres.

Its these voices that remind me that I have a story to tell.  Dozens, if not hundreds, of people living inside my head screaming daily to get out and have their voices heard.  To hold them in is pure madness.  I'm pretty sure the DSM V has a name for the craziness going inside of me.  Letting them out though, that's breaking myself into dozens of pieces and methodically putting them back together again on paper.  The story is mine, but the voices that tell that story belong to the pieces of me.

I've needed to come apart so badly.  There are a myriad of things that have kept me busy, I won't go into that right now, but I'm in pain from them.  Those things were necessary and amazing, but I need to write the same way I need to be surrounded by leafy green trees and I need to run through the night air.

I have pen to paper and fingers to keys again.  I will finish my book, and my story will be heard.  Once more, I'm starting the painful journey of breaking apart and coming together again.  Finally.